Month: March 2019

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To do list BEFORE leaving home….

 

1. Consider therapy. Purpose: sort out your reasons for leavening. Are you running away, or going toward something… new? Many people follow their children- which can have a sweet up side or a big fat down side. Do your children want you as the Child Sitter? Is that the role you want, and what happens after the kids start school? Or grow too heavy to pick up? 20 pounds of wiggle is a lot to manage…. Will you be a welcome part of the family? Will you live with your children or have your own apartment? Think this thru very carefully. It can be great to be needed, but exhausting and… what about your life?

2. Make a timetable with realistic goals. It took me two years from the decision to the actual move.

3. Financial security is essential so get this one nailed! If you have a financial planner meet with him or her to review possibilities and options. Find where you are financially, what you will have to live on, and develop a budget. If necessary, think about additional ways to make money. Is your home rentable? Can you work part time long distance? Do you have skills you can use in a new place? One of my friends is driving a bus part time, I dog and cat sit for $50.00 a day.

4. Try and get your family to support this move. But understand they may not, for lots of complicated reasons. You may be their chief child sitter, or day care person, or care for an elderly relative. They maybe anxious about your safety, or anxious you may live closer or farther away. Another reason to see a therapist and gather words to reasonably discuss YOUR wants and needs.

5.  Arrange for health care coverage. Many plans allow for 6 months out of state cover age.

6. Test the waters. Actually go live where you think you want to move. And stay there for 3-6 months. The year before buying the boat and actually moving to SB I rented a room in a decommissioned convent that had been converted to low income housing for women. I had found the Casa while visiting SB to care for my elderly parents the last five years of their lives. Built in the 60’s for nuns. The first floor had two small offices in the front of the building, two powder rooms, a huge kitchen, and a long and skinny dining room and living room, a chapel, two kitchens, 4 guest rooms with shared baths, and two bedrooms with ensuite bathrooms in the back. The second floor had numerous small rooms with a common shower area, and large bathroom space with sinks and toilets. Light, airy and affordable. My room- a former nuns guest room on the first floor and one of the rooms rented out- had a single maple bed, one vintage lamp, a small wood desk and chair. Everything was original but the mattress, sheets and blanket. Tiny and quiet, it gave me a space to think and contemplate my next step. You might use VIRBO, ARBNB, a house trade or other creative options to find a place, or tackle something totally new and rent a small RV and travel to your chosen spot. Then rent a space and stay for the allotted time period.

7.  Shopping. Proximity matters. I found that selecting a home base that is within walking distance of the stores and venues I care about was a real plus. My boat home in the harbor is a 45 minute walk to the important parts of town. Important contains great coffee: Handlebars, the Tuesday and Saturday Farmer’s Market, central Post Office where my PO Box is located (more about that later), Marshall’s, Goodwill my main supplier of used clothing and dishes, Charles Schwab for banking, the bus station, and See’s Candy. Walking is good for me. At 73 I love to eat. But… walking everywhere allows me feel free to enjoy food. And that outdoor, foot time helps accomplish several goals: keep weight stable, check, keep my busy mind calm. Check again. Stay in shape. Also check. And really…carrying groceries in a backpack great way to encourage thoughtful food choices, plus it saves money. I only buy what I can carry.

8.   Location matters. In the previous paragraph I encouraged you to find a place close to stores and venues, but another super big reason not be isolated is people. A place outside town may be cheaper financially, but not if you are starved for companionship and people contact. And if you attend church or volunteer a lot, add that to search criteria. The friends you make will grow to matter a great deal. And we all need friendships to sustain us thru challenging-and not so challenging- moments.

9.  Do you need to learn a language to be successful in next location? If yes, what language. Living in Central and South America is significantly less expensive than the US, but… I found after 5 weeks in Costa Rica, language matters. And learning a new language is tougher-not impossible- just tougher- for an older scholar/student.

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Why did I leave my very satisfactory life in Minnesota to go live on an old trawler in Santa Barbara, California?

Living room of my Minnesota home
My Tiny Home1981 Marshall Californian
My new home. A 36 foot trawler in Santa Barbara Harbor

First you need to know I loved my life in Minnesota. Gorgeous old home in a fabulous Minneapolis neighborhood called East Isles, lots of interesting younger housemates, a wide circle of much-loved friends, and meaningful work as a housing consultant and colorist. Our front porch a gathering place for friends, the house a place of connection. Our cats Beau and Princess even got Christmas cards from the neighbors. It was an idyllic life, and I yet… I wanted more. I didn’t know what “more” looked like…. Or was. Or is-even at this stage for that matter. Still looking. For something. And maybe someday I’ll know just what that something is…. But for now, I’m still in search mode. And …. yet content with life as it evolves.

So how did I end up in Minnesota and why did I stay so long? Cliff notes to that part of the story.

At age 26 I left a much-loved teaching job in Delaware at Wilmington Friends and my homey apartment with two wonderful roommates to come to Minnesota. I left Delaware for two reasons: a broken heart and my mixed up parents needed me. My Mother, Liz, a functional alcoholic, had not spoken to my step-father Bill in six months. And they lived together. In the same house, and even shared the same double bed. All conversations went thru Jenny, my Mother’s black wire-haired terrier. I pictured weird conversations. My step-father Bill wants to know what’s for dinner so muses to Jenny the dog “I wonder what’s for dinner tonight?” Mother would respond “Jenny,we’re having meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner and you’ll get the nummy left overs. In retrospect I can laugh, at the time I felt so responsible for their happiness and future….
I am the girl child, the first child, the one responsible for family dynamics, and of course said yes when Bill asked for help. So… broken-hearted, but feeling purposeful, I hopped in my 1967 pale blue Volkswagen Beetle and drove halfway across the country to St. Paul, Minnesota. For what I thought was the summer….

45 years later… I was still in Minnesota. Now, far older and a tiny bit smarter, I knew that changing places and spaces does nothing to make you happy, unless you know what you want. The old saw of “Wherever you go, there you are”, is true. But…, this time I was different. No misery, broken heart, or troubled parents. Just me. And I have to say that because the decision was all mine-emphasis on the all mine part-made me anxious. Was I making a monster sized mistake to leave my friends, the familiar, and all the emotional connections that kept me sane and happy for the unknown?

To deal with the am I nuts to actually leave Minnesota question rattling noisily around in my brain, I decided to go to therapy. To sort thru what I wanted, and to make what I hoped would be a smart and rational decision about the stay or leave question. The therapist was perfect. A minister, philosophical and balanced, feisty, kind, knowledgeable, and about as non-judgemental as you can get. She was my go to person after a broken engagement that left me devastated when I was in my early 60’s and for dealing with the long-term fallout of my parents general craziness as I cared for them in their last years on earth. She knew me well. And had seen me thru many a box of Kleenex. Kathryn is calm, a great listener. Meeting once a month for a year of thoughtful conversations solidified my confidence that my desire to leave was not a run away, but a move toward a new life.

The process of actually leaving turned was relatively easy. As easy as almost any decision is once made. The key is deciding. Then acting. That big old house I owned-rehabbed and decorated to the nines-was totally my baby. Former general contractor turned designer had given me the skills to turn 3300 sq feet of benign neglect into a magazine worthy beauty. I spent twenty years remaking every inch of her, and almost two years getting ready to leave. That meant cleaning and sorting thru a lifetime, and in the end packing up much-loved items and moving everything to Matt’s Moving and Storage. The sum total of my life possessions now occupies a 8’ x 10’ warehouse space and costs $250.00 per month. Not everything ended up at Matt’s. Many of my young friends are “storing” some of the 56 art pieces that used to grace the walls of 1516. And where did I store me post-house? With friends. I lived-and still do with my very close designer friend MJ and her husband Bruce-called BC- when I am in Minnesota. Many years ago MJ and I used to date some of the same men-but wisely never at the same time. Anyone who knows us laughs at the story. MJ is a brilliant kitchen and bath designer, able to see solutions others simply miss or cannot imagine. She is talented in ways I deeply appreciate. We met at a dinner party at her apartment some 43 years ago. Our dates long forgotten, we saw something interesting in each other and grew closer over time and life. Her now husband was my best friend, and I encouraged that romance big time. They’ve been married for 37 years, and have two adult children so my brief tenure as a Yenta appears to have been successful.

Last night while out walking from my kitty sitting job at 31st and Grand to Lake Calhoun I ran into a woman friend who is trying to decide where to live. We are contemporaries, both 73. She wants to go east to be with her grown children. But is afraid. Of leaving, and… of staying. I told her I saw a therapist for a year before I left town. Told her why I saw Kathryn and how she was able to help me sort thru complicated issues. The idea resonated with her, and when we parted ways, she said therapy now made sense to her. Now. I hope she will find a way to feel content with any choice—whether it means staying or leaving- the tundra.